"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." — Ken Blanchard

Why is it so hard to motivate people to improve? Knowing how to give and receive feedback well is one of the most important — and most fumbled — skills a leader can have.

Marcus Buckingham and Ashley Goodall put it sharply in Harvard Business Review: "We humans do not do well when someone whose intentions are unclear tells us where we stand, how good we 'really' are, and what we must do to fix ourselves. We excel only when people who know us and care about us tell us what they experience and what they feel — and in particular when they see something within us that really works."

So before your next feedback conversation, run through these seven questions.

1. What's My Level of Trust With This Person?

Without trust, people won't communicate honestly, and they won't be open to hearing how you view their performance. Feedback delivered without trust tends to damage the relationship and stall learning. Trust grows when people feel heard, understood, valued, safe, and connected.

2. What's Their Expectation Around This Feedback?

Is the person expecting appreciation, coaching, or evaluation? Those are three very different conversations. Without a shared understanding of what "success" looks like, things can go sideways fast. Set clear agreements up front.

3. How Does This Person Like to Communicate?

We love the Golden Rule — but at Institute Success we've found that most conversations fail when we rely on it, because it assumes everyone is like us. Instead, ask the Golden Questions: Who am I communicating with, and how can I adapt to succeed with them? When you understand someone's communication preferences, you can match their pace, tone, and even the words that resonate with them.

4. How Should I Start the Conversation?

Choose your opening carefully. Phrases like "I have some bad news," "I need to give you some feedback," or "We have a problem" trigger an immediate threat response — the primitive part of the brain that makes us freeze, flee, or appease. Use neutral openers instead: "Here's my reaction," "This is how it came across to me," "I appreciate it when you…"

5. What Have I Noticed Them Doing Right?

Legendary Dallas Cowboys coach Tom Landry reportedly turned his struggling team around by building each player a highlight reel of the moments they'd done something right — naturally, easily, effectively. His reasoning: the number of wrong ways to do something is infinite, but the number of right ways, for a given person, is knowable. Find and name what already works.

6. What's My "Why" in Giving This Feedback?

In Thanks for the Feedback, Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen note that misalignment between giver and receiver derails feedback constantly. Get explicit about purpose by asking yourself three questions:

7. How Will We Walk Away With the Same Understanding?

How often have you left a meeting sure you were aligned — only to discover later that everyone remembered it differently? Close the loop with questions like:

The Takeaway

Prepare with these seven questions, and a conversation that might have felt like a confrontation becomes a genuine opportunity — one that builds trust, deepens learning, and moves someone forward.

Feedback isn't something you do to people. At its best, it's something you do with them.