When I speak to a group, I often open with one question: "How were you taught to treat others?"
Almost every time, I hear one of two answers:
- Treat others how you want to be treated.
- Treat others how they treat you.
Both rules reveal a lot about our tendencies. The first assumes everyone shares your preferences, style, and priorities. The second keeps you in reaction mode — mirroring whatever behavior comes at you, good or bad.
Here's the reality: over 80% of people have a different communication style than you. Follow those old rules without adjusting, and you'll end up speaking in your language while the other person is listening in theirs. That's why I use a different approach — the Three Golden Questions.
1. Who Am I?
Before I try to connect with anyone, I check in with myself. What's my natural style? Am I fast-paced or more deliberate? Task-oriented or people-oriented? This self-awareness shows me where I might need to adapt.
2. Who Am I Trying to Connect With?
Next, I shift my focus from my preferences to theirs. Are they relationship-driven or results-driven? Do they want to move fast, or take their time? This question moves me from "treat others how I want to be treated" to "treat others how they need to be understood."
3. How Can I Engage to Succeed?
Finally, I choose my words, tone, pace, and body language on purpose — so I can meet the other person where they are, not where I happen to be.
The Starbucks Story
I learned the power of the third question the hard way. There was a Starbucks I'd started visiting where my mobile order was never ready when I arrived. Every time, the barista would glance at the ticket, glance at me, and then slowly start making my drink. I'd stand there with my arms crossed, thinking, Come on — I ordered ahead for a reason.
One day I tried something different. The moment I walked in, I made eye contact, smiled, and said, "Good morning!" — and used her name. She smiled back, greeted me warmly, and, to my surprise, my drink was ready before I expected it. From then on, whenever I took a moment to genuinely connect, the whole interaction changed. The delay simply disappeared.
It wasn't magic. It was engagement. By shifting my approach, I changed her response. That's the third Golden Question at work.
The Takeaway
The old rules are simple, but they don't reliably lead to connection. The Three Golden Questions — Who am I? Who am I trying to connect with? How can I engage to succeed? — help you adapt, connect, and succeed in almost any conversation.
The best place to start is Question One. The better you understand your own natural style, the more skillfully you can flex it for everyone else.